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Letters from J.P. – SOUP

Dear Campbell’s,

My name is Joshua, a 23-year-old from Brampton, Ontario. I appreciate your company and the many excellent products you have to offer. This is my story.

After a long day, I came home exhausted. Too tired to cook anything extensive I decided to open my cupboard and examine its capabilities. “Campbell’s Chicken with Rice soup! Awesome!”

Without hesitation I had the top of the can open with enough speed and precision to leave a NASCAR racing brain surgeon in tears. The can opener was back in its drawer before the soup even hit the cooking pot. I have indulged in this flavour before, but today there was something different.

I stir the soup, and I hardly see any rice or chicken. I’m aware of how hard it is to see through the yellowish, deliciously resourceful chicken broth, so I took an educated guess and optimistically told myself “it’s alright, the good stuff is at the bottom!”.

Courtesy of Wiki Commons

Courtesy of Wiki Commons.

I’m a “save the best for last” kind of guy – all the way. That’s why I haven’t married my ex-wife yet, or even met her for that matter. Who needs kids anyway? That’s just more soup I’d have to share, and you can’t pay for child support with soup. So I’d probably be a horrible dad. But I’d have healthy kids from all the salt you’ve taken out of your soups. My children thank you. Anyway, what was I going on about? Save the best for last, right.

So I get to the bottom of my bowl and what do you know, there’s a tablespoon of rice and six centimetre squared cubes of chicken! (I didn’t count. I’m just guessing. There might have been eight. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt). However, there was an abundance of carrots! Lots of carrots. I thought there might have been a race war between the carrots and chicken and rice, and the rice and chicken had suffered great casualties in the battle of Campbell, allowing for the carrots to regenerate their population.

But then I realized America would never choose to be a healthy vegetable, and I didn’t find any evidence of currency that would lead me to believe they were able to sustain their own economy. And the living conditions inside a sealed can would be treacherous for any living organism. If it was possible they would have had the technology available to open the can from the inside and invade my cupboard.

I’m now led to believe that there may have been a problem before the soup entered the empty can. I’ve added the UPC code and manufacturing code as you have requested. Please help the rice and chicken in their fight for equal portion rights, they have been discriminated against by the carrot for far too long. I don’t believe there is any need to get the The United Soup Nations involved. Cream of Broccoli does not get along well with the others. I believe you have enough firepower to handle this on your own. If you require backup or additional munitions, feel free to contact me and I will deploy my platoon of quality control mercenaries on a moments notice. Please keep me updated on your progress with this mission. Best of luck.

Yours truly,

General Commander, First Rank, Second Cup, Corporal Lieutenant, Private Personnel of the Stomach of our Great Provider