Letters from J.P. – KD

Original photo by Matt MacGillivray from Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Original photo by Matt MacGillivray from Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Even though many of my friends do not condone the consumption of this deliciously forbidden out of the box delicacy, I have been a die hard consumer of your macaroni and cheese for many years.

I’ve been eating Kraft Dinner for 35 years and I’m only 23. I’ve cooked it for my family (there’s only 3 of us), for my friends (me and another dude, double box bros!), for my past girlfriends (several of them, I usually cook for them, but I get them to wash the dishes, suckers…I love cooking, no one loves washing dishes haha!).

True story, I give my girlfriends the KD test: served in a bowl with a fork in under 20 minutes, if it doesn’t maintain the correct viscosity WITHOUT using measuring devices I usually tell them to leave…after they wash the dishes HAHA suckers! But for real…who puts ketchup on their macaroni and cheese? That’s another major deal breaker. If you can’t accept the cheesy goodness in its natural neon yellow state without any alterations, then you’ll never love me for who I truly am – it’s very simple.

Next thing you know I’ll be role-playing in the bedroom dressed up as Pocahontas yelling “the British are coming!, the British are coming!” because I’m not flavourful enough on my own. I hope I never have to do that again. And yes, I did just compare putting ketchup on your macaroni and cheese to role-playing in the bedroom. I mean…if the sex is that bad, then don’t eat it. There should be a warning label on the box that says “warning: add ketchup at your own risk”. But anyways, my question is this.

Why is it that every single time I’ve ever made Kraft Dinner does it come out tasting different than the last time? I mean, I use the same brand butter and the same brand milk every time, what’s going on here? I started timing myself to see if the taste was directly related to an inconsistency in the cooking time, no resolve. I thought it could have been a heating issue, so I bought an infrared thermometer to make sure my oven was properly calibrated, still no resolve. I thought that maybe it was different cooking pots that gave off a different hint of flavour, so I started cooking Kraft Dinner with only one specific cooking pot (I even brought it over to friends’ houses and insisted we make macaroni and cheese with my cookware!), still no resolve!

Good lord sweet baby Jesus, I’ve given up. I’m just gonna have to live with the fact that my KD will always taste different every time I make it, and my childhood memories will only be relived every fourth or fifth box. (I trick myself into thinking it still tastes the same way it did five years ago, it doesn’t always work). In conclusion, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for ruining something so dear to my stomach’s heart. Please leave my salad dressings alone.


The neon yellow-stained intestines of my current human vessel