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Sexy Story Tellin’ at the Ol’ Stone

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Soooo sexy story is a thing guys. Ok, in all honesty I knew it was a thing because this group has been bringing this night of sauce to the Gladstone for at least half a year now. I however, had never had the pleasure of being scheduled to work it, so when Swept asked me to cover this scintillating event I was all like “Hey boss, sign me up for this shift!”

In my usual bitter server stance, I was all like  “baahhh who’s going to show up for this? I’m not goooing to maaakee annnyy mooonney”.  Well, those sexy storytellers proved me wrong. The room was full about fifteen minutes before the show and as is usually the case at the Ol’ Stone was a completely mixed bag of humans. There were groups of girls there for a giggle, rockabilly queens, couples looking for a little spice, leery single dudes, single ladies (less leery) and the lovely queer scene that the Gladstone has the knack of making feel at home.

As I started to fill orders I sensed an interesting apprehension around me.  I saw a little bit of fear and a whole lot of excitement as people took their first sips of Beaus and settled in for a juicy evening. The way this evening works is the hosts and judges (yes it’s judged by an actual panel not just the server and bartender making wry remarks out of earshot) start the evening with their own tales and then open it up to the audience by pulling names out of a hat.  I could not even imagine the anxiety of waiting to have my name called to go and tell a tale of my sexual past. I would never in a hundred million years have the balls to go and do that. My sexual history can live just happily in my brain to be occasionally released over wine with my very dearest lady gang. So major props to anyone who has the confidence to get up there and tell their stories, mostly glorious, sometimes downright humiliating in front of a room full of strangers.

The stories started with the hosts, two perfectly appointed pin-up style ladies who have day jobs in the porn industry (makes sense, not to be stereotypical but this is subject matter they are comfortable with and I think it’s wonderful that they are promoting an event that allows people to shed inhibitions and celebrate all types of sex). One tells her story of a tryst with a football player. You know, the guy we all grew up with who calls everyone a fag without thinking about the negative connotations. She was an awesome storyteller and had me in giggles as she talked about barely being able to tolerate him but banging him only because she was so horny. Shortly before getting caught by the nerd in the science lab I believe it was? she thought (AS WE ALL HAVE LADIES) “god hurry up, I just want poutine.” Preaching to the choir sister. Our next host told a tale of finally getting a chance to have the elusive “MMF” (male, male, female” (if you don’t knoowww, now you know…) but becoming indigent when one “M” asked her to put on a British accent. She thought, “Does this guy have a British fetish? What the hell! I am so much more than that!” Which, as I am in the throes of a thing with an accented fellow made me wonder “oh my god is that what I like about him?! It all makes so much sense now!” (sidebar if he’s reading this…. no I don’t have an accent fetish… I don’t think…) Needless to say she’s still never gotten her “MMF”, better luck next time lady!!

As the names started to be drawn from the hat the less comfortable stories began, the tales of rejection, the stories of first times in many different capacities, the real human experiences that we all go through as we grow over time as sexual beings.  I admit after working at Gladstone for two years not a whole lot can shock me but I was touched by the openness of the people telling the stories, the underlying heartbreak behind the stories. It struck me as a chance to send a message to that person that you were telling the story about, like writing a love song it was a way to heal yourself or celebrate the person that you shared that time in your life with. However brief that time was, you had carried that story with you long enough to share it with a group of curious strangers. Each story was important. The stories began to flow around me as I delivered calamari and vodka tonics, and made me smile, laugh, reminisce and cringe (no-one needs to hear a story about how the first time you ejaculated you felt like an earthworm was dripping down your leg…. I know this was a TMI event but DUDE TMI.)

I have to say as the night went on I did get a little distracted, what with the 20 tables I was juggling but overall it was a cringe-inducing, wonderfully awkward, beautifully sexy night. It was also in support of the Rose Centre, a really cool organization that speaks to and supports people through love, sex and disabilities.  You can read more about this organization at www.rosecentre.ca. Also a big hurray to The Gladstone Hotel for continuing to book these original, innovative and barrier pushing events. Keep them coming and sign me up for those shifts! Long live Sexy Story Telling.